 Some of the emotions we wrestle with as adults don’t belong to the version of us standing here today. They belong to the little girl we used to be — the one who learned early how to survive, how to adapt, how to keep the peace, and how to quiet needs that were never met. When emotional needs were dismissed, minimized, ignored, or shamed, the heart learned that feelings were inconvenient… even unsafe. We grew up physically, but parts of our soul stayed frozen in time. And eventually, that little girl will whisper through:
It’s unhealed pain. Your Younger Self Still Has a Voice. When we say, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” we silence her again. When we bury our emotions out of shame, she hides deeper. Healing invites you to turn toward her with compassion, not condemnation. Jesus does not roll His eyes at wounded children. He welcomes them. “Let the little children come to Me…” — Mark 10:14 Your younger self still needs:
How Childhood Pain Shows Up in Adulthood We see it when: • We fear abandonment but don’t know why. • We over-people-please to avoid disappointment. • We shut down emotionally instead of trusting connection. • We panic when we feel ignored. • We hide our true feelings to avoid rejection. Adult behavior often reveals childhood beliefs: “I’m too much.” “My feelings bother people.” “I have to earn love.” “I’m safest when I’m invisible.” Yet none of those beliefs reflect God’s heart. Jesus Meets You in the Places Others Didn’t Christ doesn’t shame your neediness. He doesn’t scold your tears. He doesn’t tell you to “get over it.” He gathers the fragmented places and brings them back into wholeness. “I have loved you with an everlasting love.” — Jeremiah 31:3 Everlasting. Not conditional. Not performance-based. Not withdrawn when emotions are inconvenient. What Healing Looks Like: Healing doesn’t mean erasing the past. It means offering your younger self what she never received. It looks like:
“You’re safe now.” “Your feelings matter.” “You’re allowed to rest.” “You don’t have to earn love.” How to Reparent a Wounded Heart: Ask... “What did I need then that I can give myself now?” Maybe you needed: • safety • consistency • affection • affirmation • boundaries • comfort • reassurance Those needs are not childish; they are human. Jesus Models Perfect, Gentle Care. He calls the weary to rest. He binds up the brokenhearted. He collects every tear. He restores dignity. He speaks identity. Where others failed, Christ remains. Reflection / Journaling Prompts• .What did I need most as a child that I didn’t receive? What lies about myself did I learn in childhood? How can I offer compassion to those younger parts of my heart today? A Prayer Lord, please, tend to the child within me who still seeks comfort. Heal the memories tangled with fear, shame, and loneliness. Teach me how to offer myself the compassion I never received. Restore my identity, strengthen my heart, and sit with every hurting part of me. In Jesus's Name, Amen. You don't have to walk this alone. If this resonates. There may be younger parts of your heart still waiting to be seen, soothed, and understood, Christ-centered counseling can help you: • process childhood wounds safely, • identify emotional triggers, • reframe shame with truth, • and integrate healing at a soul level. Your younger self deserved love. Your present self still does. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES
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 People often ask, “Why didn’t she just leave?”
However, those who have navigated through confusing and destructive relationships know the answer is anything but simple. It is rarely about weakness, ignorance, or a lack of faith. Most of the time, it’s about survival, attachment, and deeply rooted wounds that the enemy has learned how to exploit. Let’s gently uncover the hidden reasons and the hope Christ offers for freedom and restoration. 1. Trauma Bonds: When Pain and Comfort Get Twisted Together. A trauma bond forms when periods of affection are intermittently mixed with criticism, anger, or withdrawal. The brain learns to cling to the good moments as evidence that love still exists, no matter how small. Dopamine (reward), cortisol (stress), and oxytocin (bonding) create a powerful emotional glue. Your heart remembers the tenderness. Your body remembers the threat. Your soul lives between both. This confusion keeps you believing: “Maybe this time will be different.” 2. Cognitive Dissonance: When Your Heart Knows, but Your Mind Can’t Accept It. Abusive relationships create contradictions: “He says he loves me, but he hurts me.” “He apologizes, but nothing changes.” “He can be so kind, but also so cruel.” To protect our hearts, we minimize, rationalize, and spiritualize the pain. We were created to attach, not to detach. The mind fights to protect what once felt safe. 3. Familiarity Feels Like Safety — Even When It’s Not. If love in childhood felt unpredictable, Then, chaos in adulthood can feel like “normal.” Our nervous system seeks what it knows, not what’s healthy. Sometimes we’re not drawn to the person -- we’re drawn to the pattern. Christ wants to break generational cycles and teach you what peace feels like. 4. Shame: “If I Were Stronger, This Wouldn’t Happen.”Abuse always comes with shame. Shame whispers: “You’re dramatic.” "You're too sensitive." “You made him angry.” “No one will believe you.” “You can fix this.” "You're crazy." Shame isolates. Jesus lifts shame off the shoulders of the brokenhearted. 5. Hope: “Maybe God Will Use Me to Change Him.”Hope is holy. But misplaced hope can become bondage. God changes hearts, not victims. You are not the Savior. You belong to the Savior. 6. Fear: Leaving Often Feels More Dangerous Than Staying. Fear sounds like: “What if I can’t provide for myself?” “What will people think?” “What if I’m alone forever?” “What if he gets worse?” These fears are not irrational; they are human. Jesus speaks into fear gently: “Take courage… I am with you.” (Matthew 14:27) 7. Isolation: Abusers Remove Support Slowly This happens quietly: • fewer friends • less time with family • spiritual community fades • secret-keeping begins Without an outside perspective, confusion grows. What is tolerated privately becomes normalized internally. 8. Spiritual Manipulation: Twisting Scripture to Control. Misused verses about submission, forgiveness, and suffering can keep victims bound. But Scripture never supports oppression, domination, or harm. Christ confronted abusers. He defended the oppressed. He called truth to the surface. God never asks you to sacrifice safety for someone else’s sin. The Heartbreaking Truth Brokenness binds itself to the hope of redemption. Many stay not because they are weak but because they are loyal, empathetic, forgiving, and spiritually tender. The enemy loves to weaponize the very qualities God placed in you. The Good News: Jesus doesn’t just set you free from a relationship..... He sets you free from the lies: “You’re unlovable.” “You’re the problem.” “You can’t survive.” “You deserve this.” He speaks the opposite: “You are precious.” (Isaiah 43:4) “You are loved.” (Jeremiah 31:3) “You are chosen.” (1 Peter 2:9) “You are mine.” (Isaiah 43:1) So Why Do We Stay?Because:
And none of them make freedom impossible. If You’re Finally Asking, “Should I Stay?”Here’s a better question: Is this relationship holy, safe, and aligned with God’s heart? If you’re not sure — seek counsel, not condemnation. Reflection Questions • What do I fear most about leaving? • What have I normalized that breaks God’s heart? • Do the “good moments” outweigh the harm — or just soften the blow? • Who would I be outside this relationship? A Prayer for the Conflicted Heart Lord, please bring clarity where confusion lives. Strengthen what abuse has weakened. Expose what has been hidden in darkness. Restore my identity, my voice, and my peace. Lead me with Your wisdom and surround me with safety. Give me courage for the next right step. In Jesus's name, Amen! You Do Not Have to Walk This Alone If this resonates… Please reach out. Schedule a safe, confidential session. Healing is possible. Cycles can be broken. Hope can be restored. Christ delights in rebuilding what destruction tried to take. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  Some of us learned early in life that love must be earned.
So we: • over-explain • over-apologize • over-achieve • stay quiet • work harder …just to be accepted. But when someone else’s anger, silence, disappointment, or approval determines how valuable we feel, something sacred has shifted out of God’s order. Your identity was never meant to be placed in the hands of another human. Your worth was declared at the cross long before you performed, tried to earn love or prove yourself. Relationships can affirm identity… …but they should never assign it. Listen to the father’s heart: “You are precious and honored in My sight.” — Isaiah 43:4 Let Jesus re-anchor you where worth cannot be withdrawn. • Whose approval do you fear losing? • What would change if you lived loved instead of earning love? Lord, silence every voice that assigns my worth. Let Your truth settle deeper than rejection, and restore my identity in You alone. In Jesus’s name, Amen. If this resonates with you, you’re not alone. DM for support or click the link in our bio to learn more about Christ-centered counseling and healing. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  People living under emotional control and gaslighting experience trauma not once, but daily.
Each time you were made to question your memory, apologize for their behavior, or minimize your pain, it sent the message that your feelings didn’t matter. Over time, this repeated invalidation breaks down your inner world. You may notice symptoms like:
The Psychological and Spiritual Toll. Complex trauma affects the brain and nervous system—keeping you in a cycle of fear and self-doubt. Spiritually, it can make you question even God’s goodness or your worth in His eyes. But the truth is this: the abuse was never your fault. The Lord sees every wound, every tear, and every hidden scar. He is not distant from your pain—He is near to the brokenhearted (Psalm 34:18). The Path of Healing. Healing from complex trauma is a process of both renewing your mind and restoring your spirit:
Reflection Question: Where in your heart have you believed lies about your worth or identity? Ask the Lord to replace those lies with His truth today. 🙏 Prayer Lord Jesus, You are the Balm of Gilead. Heal the wounds that were never seen, the fears that were never spoken, and the hearts that were never believed. Restore truth where lies have lived, peace where chaos reigned, and joy where sorrow took root. Remind us who we are in You—whole, loved, and free. Amen. If you’re struggling to process emotional pain or past trauma, you don’t have to walk through it alone. At The Balm of Gilead, our Christ-centered counselors are here to help you uncover the roots of your pain and find healing and freedom in Christ. Link below for more information. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  When we’ve been deeply wounded as children, we often learn to chase love from those who withhold it. Somewhere along the way, our hearts absorbed the lie that if we could just be “good enough,” “quiet enough,” or “loving enough,” then maybe someone would finally stay, see us, or love us in return. But that endless striving—trying to earn care from those who hurt us—keeps us trapped in a painful cycle of rejection and shame. We learn to normalize mistreatment, confuse survival with love, and call chaos “home.” Why We Repeat the Cycle Unhealed childhood wounds don’t just fade away with time—they follow us into adulthood. Without realizing it, we often seek familiar patterns, gravitating toward people who mirror our early pain. What’s broken feels comfortable because it’s what we know. This is why trauma healing isn’t simply about changing relationships—it’s about allowing God to change the inner narrative we’ve believed about love, worth, and identity. The Turning Point: Looking to Jesus Healing begins the moment we stop chasing love that wounds and turn toward the One who heals. Jesus is not repelled by your brokenness; He is drawn to it. He doesn’t demand that you earn His love—He offers it freely, fully, and forever. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” — Psalm 147:3 (NKJV) In Christ, you are not “too much,” “too damaged,” or “too late.” You are deeply known, fully loved, and completely safe. Walking Toward Wholeness. Recovery and healing take time. God uses truth, community, and often counseling to help untangle the lies that trauma taught us. Through prayer, Scripture, and Christ-centered support, we can begin to:
A Prayer for the Hurting Heart Lord Jesus, You see the parts of my story that still ache. Teach me to stop chasing love that wounds and turn fully toward Your healing love. Bind up the places in me that are still bleeding from the past. Restore what was broken and show me that I am safe in Your hands. In Jesus's Name, Amen. If this message resonates with you, don’t walk through your healing journey alone. At The Balm of Gilead Ministries, our counselors are here to walk with you toward wholeness and freedom in Christ. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  Often those who are experiencing emotional pain have difficulty expressing their feelings in a healthy way. A common cause is buried emotions from loss or past hurts.
Ignored or denied feelings don’t disappear—they’re buried alive, deep within the soul, where they fester and begin to poison the heart and body. . As long as emotional pain remains unhealed, symptoms will continue to surface—relationship conflict, unhealthy behaviors, depression, addictions, and coping mechanisms that wound the heart and distance us from ourselves, others, and God. That’s why it’s so vital to face your feelings and allow Christ to bring healing to the roots. . Bring your heartache, anxiety, fear, and frustration to Jesus. Pour out your heart to Him and receive His comfort. He alone understands the depth of your pain. The Word reminds us that He was “a man of sorrows, acquainted with grief.” . “We do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are yet without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” — Hebrews 4:15–16 . If you’re struggling to process emotional pain or past trauma, you don’t have to walk through it alone. At The Balm of Gilead, our Christ-centered counselors are here to help you uncover the roots of your pain and find healing and freedom in Christ. Link below for more information. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  There is a tragic misunderstanding in some Christian circles that when you come to Christ, you give up all your rights — especially within marriage. But that is not what Scripture teaches. God never calls you to remain in a relationship that forces you to violate His Word or that harms your body, mind, or spirit. Abuse is not love. Control is not headship. And fear is not submission.
In fact, the Bible outlines clear God-given rights — not selfish entitlements, but spiritual rights that uphold your dignity and value as His beloved child. These rights do not vanish inside a marriage covenant. If anything, they become even more essential in the face of oppression or emotional harm. Here is a Biblical Bill of Rights for anyone enduring or recovering from an abusive marriage — a gentle reminder of what God desires for you: You Have the Right to Live According to God’s Word “We must obey God rather than men!” (Acts 5:29) If someone uses Scripture to pressure you into sin or immoral acts, you are not obligated to comply. God never condones coercion cloaked in religiosity. His will always aligns with His Word — never against it. You Have the Right to Be Treated with Respect “Husbands... be considerate... and treat them with respect.” (1 Peter 3:7) Respect is not earned by submission — it is commanded by God. If your spouse consistently belittles, mocks, or demeans you, they are acting in disobedience to the heart of Christ. You Have the Right to Mutual Submission “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” (Ephesians 5:21) God designed marriage to be a partnership of mutual love and deference — not a dictatorship. Submission is never one-sided, and it is never a license for abuse. You Have the Right to Loving, Truthful Communication “Speaking the truth in love...” (Ephesians 4:15) God’s design for communication is truth expressed in love — not lies, manipulation, or silence used as punishment. You Have the Right to Emotional Safety “In your anger do not sin...” (Ephesians 4:26) Anger is a human emotion, but rage, threats, and intimidation are not of God. You do not have to accept destructive behavior just because someone is "angry." You Have the Right to Personal Time and Space “Jesus... went off to a solitary place, where He prayed.” (Mark 1:35) Even Jesus withdrew for rest and reflection. You are allowed to set boundaries, have quiet moments, and care for your soul. You Have the Right to Use Your Gifts “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others...” (1 Peter 4:10) Abuse often silences and stifles your God-given identity. But you were created with gifts and callings — and no one has the right to bury those under control or shame. You Have the Right to Live Free from Fear “You did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear...” (Romans 8:15) Fear is not from God. If you’re living in constant fear of retaliation, rejection, or punishment — that’s a sign of spiritual and emotional abuse, not biblical authority. You Have the Right to Seek Support “Let us not give up meeting together... but let us encourage one another.” (Hebrews 10:25) Isolation breeds confusion and despair. You are not meant to walk this road alone. Reach out — God uses community to bring healing and clarity. You Have the Right to Report Abuse “Submit yourselves... to every authority... who are sent... to punish those who do wrong.” (1 Peter 2:13–14) Reporting abuse is not betrayal — it’s obedience. God has established civil authorities to protect and bring justice. You are not sinning by seeking safety or pressing charges. You Have the Right to Leave for Safety “The prudent see danger and take refuge...” (Proverbs 27:12) Leaving a dangerous or destructive situation is not a lack of faith — it is wise and God-honoring. You do not have to keep walking into harm in the name of marriage. God calls you to peace (1 Corinthians 7:15). Final Thoughts If you are in an abusive marriage, please hear this: God sees you. He weeps with you. And He will never ask you to stay in something that destroys your body, your spirit, or your faith. Abuse is not your cross to bear. It is a violation of God’s design for love and covenant. Jesus came to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and to set the oppressed free (Isaiah 61:1). He is for your freedom, your healing, and your restoration. If you need help, counseling, or a safe plan — reach out. Our ministry is here to walk alongside you with truth, compassion, and hope. 💜 Need Support? Visit thebalmofgilead.co or message us to connect with a biblical counselor who understands the deep pain of abuse and the deeper hope of healing. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  Habitual patterns of abusive behavior rarely change unless there is significant intervention, professional guidance, or both. Sometimes, though, a husband does become so convicted of his self-centered ways that he allows the Lord to give him a new heart, new desires, and the power to change. If your husband promises he has changed, you need wisdom to discern if the change is only temporary and manipulative … or if he is truly taking personal responsibility for his abusive behavior.
“Wisdom will save you from the ways of wicked men, from men whose words are perverse.” (Proverbs 2:12) Ask yourself these questions: — Do I no longer have a sense of fear when I am with him? — Has he learned to control his anger without being verbally or emotionally abusive? __ Is he continuing in a pattern of manipulation? — Does he respect my right to disagree? — Is he able to express his feelings of anger in a calm, nonthreatening way? — Does he communicate feelings other than anger? — Does he no longer blame me for his problems? — Do I feel I am being treated with respect? — Does he show consistent kindness and consideration toward me? “Husbands … be considerate as you live with your wives and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life.” (1 Peter 3:7) There is a world of difference between professing love and actually practicing it. Words alone will never tell you what a person is like. Jesus tells us someone’s history and current actions show you what they are like. The Tree and Its Fruit “Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. So every tree that does not produce good fruit is chopped down and thrown into the fire. Yes, just as you can identify a tree by its fruit, so you can identify people by their actions.” Mathew 7:15-20  “The Lord is near to all who call upon Him,
to all who call upon Him in truth.” — Psalm 145:18 1. What Is Gaslighting? The word gaslighting has become one of the most overused terms in recent years. Many now use it to describe any disagreement, correction, or uncomfortable truth. But true gaslighting is far deeper—and far more destructive Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where someone intentionally distorts reality to make another person doubt their own perception, memory, or sanity. The goal is control—keeping the victim dependent, confused, and unsure of themselves. It’s not simply disagreeing. It’s when someone denies facts, rewrites history, twists your words, or makes you question what’s true. Over time, the victim begins to wonder, “Maybe I am overreacting… maybe it really is my fault.” 2. Who Gaslights and Why? Gaslighting is often used by individuals with deep insecurity, pride, or narcissistic traits. The person may fear losing control, being exposed, or being held accountable for their behavior. Gaslighting can happen in:
3. How to Discern When It’s HappeningGaslighting often happens subtly, drip by drip. Here are some signs:
“Lord, show me truth. Reveal where deception has taken root. Teach me to see clearly again.” God’s Spirit always leads us into truth (John 16:13). The enemy, by contrast, is the “father of lies” (John 8:44). 4. The Effects of GaslightingGaslighting can leave deep emotional wounds:
5. Healing from GaslightingHealing begins with truth. Jesus said, “You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32). Steps toward healing in Christ:
6. A Closing Word of Hope If you’ve been gaslighted, You are not crazy. You are not too sensitive. You are not broken beyond repair. God sees you. He knows the truth of what happened, even when others deny it. He is your Defender, your Witness, your Healer. “He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday.” — Psalm 37:6 You don’t have to fight for your truth—just stand in it. Christ will restore what manipulation tried to destroy. Reflection Questions
Need help breaking free? We offer trauma-informed, Christ-centered counseling through The Balm of Gilead Ministries. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Reach out. We’re here to walk with you. Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES  “And my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus.” — Philippians 4:19
We were each created by God with three deep, God-given needs: Love, Security, and Significance. These are not weaknesses—they are part of our divine design. From the very beginning, God intended for these needs to be met first through a relationship with Him, and then reflected through healthy human relationships. But for many of us, those needs weren’t met the way God intended. When Needs Go Unmet Maybe love was withheld or came with conditions. Maybe security was shattered by instability, rejection, or abandonment. Maybe significance was replaced by criticism, comparison, or feeling “never enough.” When these core needs go unmet in childhood, they leave a void—a wound deep in the soul that follows us into adulthood. We try to fill that emptiness with approval, performance, relationships, or even ministry. But no matter how hard we try, the ache remains because only God can fill what was broken. The Wounds That Shape Us Those early experiences can shape how we see ourselves and how we see God. If love was inconsistent, we may question His love. If security was absent, we may live in fear. If significance was ignored, we may believe we have to earn our worth. But friend, God never intended for the failures of others to define you. The unmet needs of your past don’t have to dictate your future. Healing in Christ Christ came not only to save our souls but to heal our hearts. Through Him, we find perfect love that casts out fear (1 John 4:18), security that cannot be shaken (Psalm 16:8), and significance as sons and daughters of the King (Ephesians 1:4-6). Healing begins when we bring those wounds into His light and let Him show us who He is in each area of loss. He becomes the Father who never leaves. The Friend who never betrays. The Redeemer who restores. He Restores the Years No matter what was stolen from you—love, safety, belonging—God promises to restore. “I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten.” — Joel 2:25 He doesn’t simply patch up what’s broken; He makes it new. He fills the empty spaces others left behind. He meets every need they failed to meet, not just with sufficiency, but with abundance. A Closing Prayer Lord, You see the empty places within me—those unmet needs, the hurts, and the longing to be loved and secure. I surrender them to You. Be my healer, my provider, and my source of love and worth. Restore what was lost and teach me to rest in the truth that You are enough. In Jesus’ name, Amen. Which of the three inner needs—love, security, or significance—feels most wounded in your story? Ask the Lord to reveal how He wants to meet that need today. If you're ready to begin your healing journey, we'll walk with you. Visit Christ Centered Counseling - THE BALM OF GILEAD MINISTRIES to connect with a counselor today. |
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